Parenting Pays Off

I've always had a drive to be a parent.  I'm not sure where it came from, and my life experience did nothing to encourage the idea.  I was orphaned at 5 and effectively abandoned by my adoptive parents at age 18.  Perhaps the thought that despite my upbringing I turned out okay led to me thinking that I could raise better humans, or maybe some women are just programmed (or brainwashed) with a desire to be mothers. Whatever the reason, some combination of forces led me to consider each romantic relationship in light of what kind of partner they would be in parenting.  I even rejected one suitor despite our compatibilities because he had no desire to be a father.  I later learned that he had hidden failings that made me thankful for having dodged that particular bullet, but that's a story for another day.  

Parenting is a roller coaster of emotions that is more volatile than even the most contentious romantic relationship. Probably not the best advertisement for parenting, and I'm about to throw another obstacle in the way of would-be parents.  The financial cost of parenting is intimidating: over $200,000 to raise a child from infancy through the age of 17. [source: https://www.usda.gov/media/blog/2017/01/13/cost-raising-child]  While 30% of that is the cost of housing (the difference between the cost of a 2-BR vs a 3-BR home, for example, multiplied by 17 years) and another 30% is the cost of childcare/after school care, it's still a substantial sum.  Using the calculator here: https://themeasureofaplan.com/cost-of-raising-a-child-calculator/ I calculated my costs without the added expenses of childcare and housing at $150,000.  And while there is some savings in hand-me-downs for subsequent children, the cost of education and medical care is still around $100,000 each for your second or third (or fourth) child.  Add into that the career cost of lost income from being a stay at home parent for many years, and my parenting cost tops a million dollars for 4 kids.  And that doesn't even include the cost of saving for college!

So why would anyone want to have children? If you asked my teens, it's because I wanted free labor.  That's certainly a perk, and I won't deny having occasionally forced them into chores, but that's not it.  Beyond perpetuating the species and hopefully leaving behind better versions of ourselves, parenting pays off in the most unexpected ways: when they are small, observing (and nourishing) their sense of wonder at the world around us; when they are school age, the random gifts that show their generosity (picking flowers on the way home from school, or macaroni necklaces crafted in art class); when they are teens, their struggle for independence overshadowed by their need to know your unconditional love. Parenting is the worst emotional investment in the world, taking decades to see tangible returns. Then one day you'll be thrown for a loop by the most random thing.  

You'll be planning your menu for the week and one of your kids insists on trading the gourmet meal you've planned for grilled cheese and tomato soup, because that's what you always made on Halloween when they were young enough to go trick-or-treat. And when you insist that maybe they've outgrown it, they text their older (adult) sisters to ask if they approve of scrapping Korean Bulgogi in favor of this traditional meal for family dinner night and the girls respond with enthusiastic exclamations.  Tears, you say?  I'm not crying.  My cup is running over.