Vincent

TW: depression and suicide 

I've been obsessing lately about the song Vincent by Don McLean. If you are unfamiliar, the song is about Vincent vanGogh. It was inspired by a biography that Don McLean read about the artist. vanGogh's story is tragic: brilliant artist dies by his own hand before achieving success. The song is a tear jerker for me and gives me the feels every time I hear it. I know that part of my reaction is due to the sad story told so brilliantly by McLean and some is due to the lyrics resonating with something deeper. It's both, but more of the latter.

About 10 years ago, there was a story published regarding an alternate version of events, saying that vanGogh didn't shoot himself but claimed he had in order to protect the person who did shoot him accidentally. It didn't gain a lot of traction because it's mostly speculation and, whether the injury was misadventure or intentional, when he realized he probably wouldn't recover he embraced the relief that death represented. His brother reported in a letter that Vincent wanted to die and when faced with the prospect of getting well he said "La tristesse durera toujours” [The sadness will last forever]. 

There's a fair chance that his last words inspired the lyrics "no hope was left in sight" regarding his death by suicide. That got me thinking about how often this reason is cited for other suicides. It's a pretty common thing with depression to lose touch with the fact that suffering is nearly always temporary. When you are depressed, your suffering is all you can think about, like you have blinders to hope. It's what makes suicide seem like a reasonable solution to a temporary problem, because it FEELS like the sadness will, in fact, last forever. 

When I was suffering through my divorce, the perpetual torture and betrayal from the man I used to love sent me into a dark spiral. He threatened to drag out the process until I gave up, and I nearly did. I only ever seriously contemplated suicide once and I'm grateful for the friend who was there to help me see my hope. I said (out loud) "What reason do I have to not just drive into a tree?" They responded, "I can give you four reasons." They were referring to my children, the innocents who would be devastated by my actions, both by the loss of a parent and the knowledge that their other parent drove me to it. In the short term they became my reason for living until I embraced the semicolon project and paid for a tattoo that would continue to remind me that my story isn't over. (I did ultimately prevail in the divorce, retained custody, and moved on.)

McLean's lyrics did resonate with me, particularly the part about seeing the darkness in my soul. vanGogh was right; the sadness will last forever. Depression never really goes away, but sometimes you can see clearly enough to keep hope in sight.